Vam qan Namek/Transcript
DISCLAIMER KAISERNEKO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (scene shows a Namekian village with a large group of villager outside) NAMEKIAN VILLAGER #1: And that’s the story of the great drought. (children laugh) (Vegeta is seen landing in the middle of the village) NAMEKIAN VILLAGER #2: Hey look, a visitor! NAMEKIAN VILLAGER #3: Oh, boy! We love visitors! NAMEKIAN ELDER: Now, now, don't crowd the young man. Why, hello, good fellow! Welcome to our fine village! You look like you're not from around here. You have to be careful; word through the grapevine has it that some unruly characters have been going around and attacking our villages. By the way, would you like to see our Dragon Ball? It's our prized possession; sacred on this planet. So, what brings you to our village? (Vegeta is seen smirking) SEQUENCE (scene shifts to Vegeta walking away from a destroyed village, showing many deceased Namekians on the ground and the sound of a fire burning off-screen along with the voice of a Namekian screaming in pain) VEGETA: Life sure has a way of working itself out. I find Cui, I kill Cui. I find Dodoria, I kill Dodoria. I find this Dragon Ball, (throws the Dragon Ball into a lake) I take this Dragon Ball. Let's see what else I can find... (leaves the destroyed Namekian village) (scene shifts to Krillin) KRILLIN: Sweet crap! Did you feel that Gohan?! GOHAN: Uh yeah, but... maybe we shouldn't-- KRILLIN: Man, Vegeta just ended that village! GOHAN: Krillin, seriously, you-- KRILLIN: I didn't think he needed to kill them either; they didn’t even put up a fight. GOHAN: Krillin! KRILLIN: What? I-- (looks behind himself and notices Dende who is completely shocked) Oh, cripes. Um... Hey, listen. They may be dead now, but they've all gone to a better place... Heaven. Where everyone has their own little house, and everything is wonderful, and we all get along and there's puppies and kitties and-- DENDE: This sounds totally asinine. KRILLIN: It totally is... GOHAN: Hey guys, I think I might have an idea. Frieza and Vegeta need all seven Dragon Balls, right? So what if we just found one and hid it away? Then neither of them could make their wish. KRILLIN: Hey, good idea! But we also need someone who can help us out. Little Green... DENDE: Dende. KRILLIN: ...do you know anyone on this planet who might be able to do that? DENDE: I know of one... person. He is called the leader of our people; the eldest Namek. It is said long ago when our planet faced a great drought, he led our people through the peril. It is said that it was terrifying. GOHAN: The drought? DENDE: No... KRILLIN: Well Gohan, looks like this is our only choice. Stay here and protect Bulma. BULMA: Oh, now you care. KRILLIN: I'm gonna follow Little Green to meet this eldest Namek guy. He sounds like he's our last hope. (flies away with Dende) DENDE: Please do not make jokes. (scene shifts to Zarbon flying through the sky) ZARBON: Frieza seems increasingly frustrated... I'd best find Vegeta quickly... (flashback to Zarbon's last conversation with Frieza) FRIEZA: You know, Zarbon, I'm starting to think my people don’t understand what I pay them for. ZARBON: You don't pay us. FRIEZA: (stammers quickly) Allow them to live for. I mean, first we lose... what was his name? ZARBON: Kiwi? FRIEZA: Eh, Kiwi. Then we lose all of our scouters, and now Dodoria's dead? I'm sorry, but if this sh*t goes any further south, we're going to hit Space Mexico. ZARBON: What would you want me to do, Lord Frieza? FRIEZA: What I want you to do is pull up your frilly stockings, tighten your thong, and stop being such a... (flashback ends abruptly) VEGETA: (rushes at Zarbon) PANSY! ZARBON: Wha--? (both he and Vegeta collide in midair) Vegeta, how dare you ram into me while I'm thinking about Lord Frieza and my thong! VEGETA: Yeah, just going to ignore that one entirely. ZARBON: But it is a good thing I found you, Vegeta. Now are you going to come quietly, or do I have to make you scream? VEGETA: Oh, you mean like Dodoria? ZARBON: Oh please, never send a woman to do a man's job. (Vegeta disappears and reappears behind Zarbon. Zarbon tries to throw a punch at Vegeta, but he easily blocks it by gripping his hand and tosses Zarbon into the sky. Before Zarbon can retaliate, Vegeta appears above him and sends him down to the ground with a kick. Zarbon manages to recover from the attack and notices that Vegeta is gone.) ZARBON: Where is he? (Vegeta is seen behind Zarbon and kicks him away. Zarbon is heard groaning as he is sent across the ground) VEGETA: Facedown with another man beating your ass! Is it Wednesday already, Zarbon? ZARBON: Very cute, Vegeta. But you have no idea what you're getting into. VEGETA: Ha! You have got to be kidding me! I may have lost to those fools on Earth, but since I got here, I've done nothing but slaughter you cretins! First Cui, then Dodoria. I'm two for three, and I'm back on top. ZARBON: Well, Vegeta, I hope you've enjoyed being on top because I'm about to put you back on the bottom; where you belong. You see, I’ve been hiding another side of myself... VEGETA: Where, in the closet? ZARBON: Now prepare yourself...for the beast within! I should warn you though; this form is entirely different from me in every way. (Zarbon transforms into his Monstrous form) MONSTROUS ZARBON: IMMA RAPE YA, BITCH!!! VEGETA: To be perfectly honest, you're not that different. You're just a lot less SUBTLEABOUTIT-- (Monstrous Zarbon rushes Vegeta, with a train horn sound effect) OH, MY GOD! (Monstrous Zarbon easily dominates against Vegeta and proceeds to headbutt him multiple times) VEGETA: (while getting headbutted multiple times) POIT! Zort--! Apples... (scene shifts to Krillin, while holding Dende, flying in the sky) KRILLIN: Huh. Hey, Little Green, do you believe in Karma? DENDE: What is that? KRILLIN: Well, you see, Karma is where if you do something good... (shows a shot of Monstrous Zarbon kicking Vegeta in the stomach) VEGETA: OURGH! KRILLIN: ...something good happens to you. And if you do something bad... (shows a shot of Monstrous Zarbon knocking Vegeta down from the sky) VEGETA: GAAAH! KRILLIN: ...something bad happens to you. DENDE: So, if I am good enough, then I can have my family back? KRILLIN: ...Are you still on about that? (scene shifts to Monstrous Zarbon holding Vegeta while plummeting towards the ground) VEGETA: No! No! No! No! No! (Zarbon tosses Vegeta while in midair) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Vegeta hits the ground, creating a massive explosion forming a huge crater that gets filled with water) MONSTROUS ZARBON: And that's the end of that. (Monstrous Zarbon transforms back to his normal, beautiful form) ZARBON: I'd best hurry back to Lord Frieza. If I take too long, he'll really lay into me. (flies away back to Frieza's ship) (a battle-damaged Vegeta is seen emerging from the water, barely surviving Zarbon's attack) VEGETA: (while gasping for breath) Why did I explode? (scene shifts to Krillin and Dende arriving at Guru's house) DENDE: That is it up ahead. KRILLIN: So that's where yours lives, huh? On Earth our old Namek lives in a floating castle. DENDE: You have one as well? KRILLIN: Well, he died, but yeah. (both Dende and Krillin descend in front of Guru's house) DENDE: This does not bode well. NAIL: (in Namekian/Klingon) Dende... ...what have you brought to Guru's house? DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon) Foreigners. They claim they are here to help. Personally, I think we are boned. KRILLIN: You have such a beautiful language. NAIL: (in Namekian/Klingon) Ah, seems we must speak the universal language... (in English) English. KRILLIN: Aww, so you made a friend, Little Green? Ooh, I know, I'm gonna call you "Big Green"! NAIL: Call me that again and I’ll snap your neck. KRILLIN: ...With that attitude, I don't think you should be friends with him, Little Green. NAIL: Listen, I don't care where you come from or who you are, I will not put up with such disrespe-- GURU: (from inside his house) BIG GREEEEN! Get in here... NAIL: (irritated) Oh... (groans) goddammit... What is it, Lord Guru? GURU: I have a bitch of an itch on my left ass chee-- (notices Krillin) Nail, there is an albino Namekian standing behind you. Kill it like the rest. KRILLIN: Uh, actually, sir, I'm from Earth. GURU: ...Kill it like the rest. KRILLIN: Uhhh... NAIL: Ehh, actually sir, I think he has business here about those people attacking our planet. KRILLIN: Yeah. We came here looking for help. And I see you have a Dragon Ball up there. Well, we're going to make sure that they don't steal it! GURU: And how is that? KRILLIN: I'm gonna take it! NAIL: Learn your place, Earthling! You have some nerve demanding a Dragon Ball from-- GURU: (hands Krillin the Dragon Ball) Here, take it. NAIL: I... What? GURU: Just don't steal the TV. NAIL: Sir, we, uhh, we don't have a television. GURU: Nail... gather the rest of the Dragon Balls and wish for a plasma TV. NAIL: Lord Guru, that would be a grievous misuse of their powers. GURU: I'm about to misuse my hand upside your heaaaaaad! KRILLIN: So... I can just take this and go? GURU: Wait. There is something I must first do. NAIL: You don't mean... GURU: Yes. I see something within this young man… strength yet untapped… power yet unleashed… Now hold still as I unleash the valley of strength hidden deep withiiiiin! (unlocks Krillin's hidden potential) There. I have unlocked your potential. KRILLIN: I don't feel that different... GURU: It wasn't that much. KRILLIN: Huh. So this is my full potential? GURU: Yes. KRILLIN: So... then it's... GURU: All downhill from here. KRILLIN: Like Yamcha... GURU: I do not know what this "Yamcha" is, but it sounds disappointing. KRILLIN: Well, I better get this Dragon Ball back to Gohan. Once we find them all, we can wish back our old Namekian! GURU: Wait. You said that you were from Earth, correct? KRILLIN: Yeah. GURU: So, the son of Katas has passed. Unfortunate. KRILLIN: We just called him Kami. GURU: Oh, so he calls himself God. Pretentious prick. Nail. NAIL: What. GURU: I shall henceforth be known as: Super Kami. NAIL: Yes, Super Kami. GURU: No wait-- Super Kami Guru. NAIL: Can I just call you Guru for short? GURU: Super Kami Guru allows this. KRILLIN: Well, I'd better hurry up. See you later, Little Green! And thanks for the Dragon Ball! (leaves Guru's house and flies back to Gohan) GURU: Nail... Prepare to retrieve the Dragon Ball... and the body. (scene shifts to Frieza's ship with Zarbon entering Frieza's room) ZARBON: Lord Frieza, the dirty deed has been done. FRIEZA: Ah, very good. It's nice to see there's still somebody I can rely on. ZARBON: Oh, he barely put up a fight after I transformed. Now that he's dead we have very little left to worry about. FRIEZA: (opens his mouth) Zarbon, about an hour ago, a scout informed me that an entire village was completely destroyed. Do you possibly know who could have done that? ZARBON: Ve-- Vegeta. FRIEZA: Aaaand, unlike all the other villages we visited so far, there was no Dragon Ball there. Do you know who could have possibly taken it? ZARBON: Vegeta. FRIEZA: Veeeery good! Now, use your brain for this one, Zarbon. If somebody were to know where that Dragon Ball was, who would it be? ZARBON: Vegeta-- FRIEZA: Vegeta, yes. And you said you... killed him? ZARBON: Wait, sir! It is possible I just left him unconscious! FRIEZA: Oh, good. And where did you leave him? ZARBON: ...At the bottom of a lake... FRIEZA: ...Minion forty-three, would you come in here for a second? I need an example. NAMOLE: Private Namole reporting. An example of what, Lord Friez-- (gets blown into atoms) AAAAAAAHHHAAAH! FRIEZA: You see that, Zarbon? That's you if Vegeta is not in front of me in the next ten minutes. ZARBON: Uh...uuuhhh...! FREEZA: Bye. ZARBON: (flies out of Frieza's ship) AAAAAAAHHHH!!! SEQUENCE STINGER (scene shifts to King Kai's planet) KING KAI: I have to say I'm very impressed. All of you have been making great strides in your training since you arrived on my planet. Except for Yamcha. YAMCHA: What the hell?! But I waxed off everything! I waxed off your car, I waxed off your house, I even waxed off your monkey! PICCOLO: Okay, I just started paying attention, what? YAMCHA: Seriously, when are we going to learn the Kayo-ken? KING KAI: ...What? YAMCHA: The Kayo-ken, King Kai! KING KAI: "Kai"... o-ken. YAMCHA: What? KING KAI: KAIO-KEN!!! It's in my f**king name! Like "King Kai", as in "Kaio-sama"! That is it! None of you are learning any of my techniques! Neither the Kaio-ken nor the Genki Dama! TIEN: ...Freaking weeaboo....